CITY OF GOLD - JOZI
I made a bet with my boys that we would go to
South Africa for the 2010 World Cup; come rain or sun. We were to ride down
roughshod on some big 4x4 vehicle; we’d dress up like some native Kings, in
African regalia complete with leopard’s skins and Columbus monkey hats.
If the African gods smile upon
us, we should have ample time to pass by King Mswati’s Reed Festival in Swaziland.
Picture this, out of the 10,000 plus virgins at the Reed Festival the King will
only take one for his bride. That leaves 9,999 heart-broken and possibly
hopelessly vulnerable girls with some heady dreams about marrying a rich
African king and living happily thereafter. We reckon some will be willing to
hitch up with any African king even if it’s not Mswati.
That’s where we come in; acting
like some big Kahunas we will hit Swaziland like a major tsunami. And what are
the odds? We can’t lose! Can you imagine that some guys actually blow
themselves up for just a measly seven virgins in paradise? What is wrong with
them? What if you die and you find out too late that there is no paradise? Why
not just play hyena to Mswati’s multitude of virginity? I could have all 9999
virgins right here on earth and I am not even a king!
So, it came as a pleasant
surprise when the ever smiling Wangeci from MNET gave me an early Christmas
present (minus the virgins). I got an invitation to go to Johannesburg, for the
finals of the Big Brother Africa. I was at the airport at 7pm and dived into
the night sky for a memorable trip down south. Here are my memoirs.
We arrived at Oliver Tambo
International Airport at 11am local time, after a pleasant KQ flight where we
tried to out do each other with the Absolute vodka tots they serve in those
tiny bottles. Tipsy as I should have been, I couldn’t help contrast JKIA to
Oliver Tambo International Airport. Other than the bright lights, wide spaces
and state of the art equipment, all the systems are in full working order;
they even use a heat-sensitive camera to check for the swine flu!
We are met by the placard-waving
white taxi driver, Warrrrrrrr! A mzungu and a courteous one too! He drives us
in a brand new Toyota Avensis to our hotel in Sandton, avoiding the seedier
parts of town (Alexandra) all along giving us a running commentary of the
upcoming FIFA world cup. The World Cup fever is in the air and even at this
late hour there are road construction crews at work. The numerous flyovers and
wide boulevards are in super condition and the clean new cars (BMWs, Benzes and
Audis) flying by at 120 kilometers per hour an hour are a luxury that Nairobi
may never see by 2030. Honestly, I even saw a Pagani Zonda Roadster. The damn
piece of metal costs a cool USD 670,000 that translates to Kshs 56 million and
you haven’t even paid duty! This obscenely expensive machine can comfortably do
400km/h. But it’s so low, the bumps and potholes of Nairobi would have the
wheels flying of it faster than you can say mama mia!
We arrive at this beautiful
hotel in downtown Sandton, City Lodge. Even though it’s not a five star hotel,
it would easily compete with out best hotels at home. After what seems like
just an hour’s nap, I am up at sunrise, showered and raring to go but alas! Its
only 5am, and the bus doesn’t come to collect us until 8am for breakfast. So I
have to find something to do. I flip the TV channels and stumble on some really
steamy scene. Eish! These children of Azania have a free porn channel; never
mind that it is soft-core, it’s still pretty menacing to a simple guy from the
third world.
The bus comes for us promptly
at 8am and we are off to Cabanga Conference Centre for the breakfast and
interview with Bow Wow. I can now see the full grandeur & beauty of Egoli –
the City of Gold also affectionately called Jozi by the locals. The sprawling metropolis municipal boundaries
stretch for tens of kilometers to amalgamate suburb towns like Sandton,
Randburg and Soweto. I can’t help but marvel at the squeaky clean affair that
is uptown Jozi. Unlike Nairobi where we are cutting down trees like they have going
out of fashion, Jozi has plenty of tree cover and the air is fresh and crisp.
Lil Bow Wow has since grown up,
but he is still pocket-sized. He says he is now doing movies and has a clothing
line, thanks to the able mentorship of Jermaine Dupri and Snoop Dogg. He
promises us a great performance and after a photo-shoot and the autographs, we
are off to town to do what really brought us to SA. Shop for Christmas.
There may be other malls but
for me, the Mandela square is the show-stopper! Built on several floors, the
expansive shopping mall in downtown Sandton is the dream shopping destination
for anyone with some itchy Rand. Oh boy, they seem to have all designer stores
here; anything from Gucci to Police. They also have the cheapies: Mr. Price.
Ackerman’s and Edgars. For those of us from developing nations, this is our
natural niche. We dive in there and load up real nice for Christmas. When I get
back home, I’ll make Santa look ridiculous with his ancient reindeers and
comical white beard! My Rands are soon gone but I am not worried, I still have
plenty of Kenya shillings on me and I head for a Forex bureau. Shock on me! Did
you know that those guys don’t accept Kenyan shillings?
With my shopping trip nipped in
the bud, I can only look forward to a great evening at the Sasani Theatre for the
finale of the Big Brother Africa Revolution. The bus picks us at 4.30pm and we
arrive to a pre-event cocktail at the finale’s venue. Lights camera action! The
MNET folks know how to do their thing. The props and décor are convincing and
the detail compensates for the tiny theatre. Lil Bow Wow gives a convincing
performance and the South African dance troupes do well too. Our very own
Jeremy should take up a career as a chorographer, the brother and some former housemate
girl gave a performance that deserved a standing ovation!
The Nigerians where literally ripping
the place apart like its Lagos; very noise folks these ones! But they had a justifiable
cause for their raucous celebration. One of their own, Kevin was going back home
USD $200,000 richer. Funny guy, how do you win a coveted continental title and
then jump on stage with a Tanzanian T-shirt? I heard it was to do with some
damsel he met at the house. Hmmmh, just who is the damsel? After the din,
fireworks, confetti and tears, we headed out for the after party at Club
Latinova.
Latinova is a classy club is in
downtown Roseburg. It’s the playground for what would seem new and terribly
flashy money. The girls are out looking glam and they are not afraid to show
some leg. And they carry plenty of junk in the trunk too! Their tiny shorts and
skirts could easily be mistaken for belts. The gay scene is very overt here and
a little creepy (speaking like a villager from Kenya not schooled in the ways
of the modern world). I missed our genge and kapuka rhythms but the DJ made up
with some grand kwaito that got us dancing the night away.
We had a 7am pick up from the
hotel to the airport and we had to retire early. After just two short nights in
Jozi, am on my way back to Nairobi. I see a nuclear reactor on the way to the
airport which I must presume is for peaceful purposes (read, electricity).
Imagine what the North Koreans would do with it? I promise my self to come back
here for the 2010 World Cup festival, better equipped for the challenges and
pleasures of Jozi.
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